i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
