I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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