Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
