Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
