The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
