So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I AM VODKA MAN
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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