So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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