Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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