I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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