My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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