and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
the raccoons are back...
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