I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
