Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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