I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
