you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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