Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
