Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
