You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
