I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
