Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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