Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
