Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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