I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she peed on how many people?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
