I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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