she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize