come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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