his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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