Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
