My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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