He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
