I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Help. Why am I so naked?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
