I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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