I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
