Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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