the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
