I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
