i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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