Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
