If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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