just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
