It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
