I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
