my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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