If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
