I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Sorry my hands just texted you
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
