Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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