so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
