im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
