Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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