Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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