Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
