So drunk its hurt
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
