Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
