this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
