What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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