Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
