there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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