That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
