so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
